


My Tribe

by Cuthwyn



Series: Jay/Roy Week 2016 [5]
Category: Batman - All Media Types, Red Hood/Arsenal (Comics)
Genre: Comfort/Angst, Insight ftw, M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Referenced Substance Misuse, Social debates are 'fun', pyschosis
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-07
Updated: 2016-11-07
Packaged: 2018-08-29 13:22:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,798
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8491324
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cuthwyn/pseuds/Cuthwyn
Summary: Jason was in for a rough night.Roy knew as soon as he switched the radio off.Roy understood.Roy understood because of his own past.He manages to keep Jason feeling safe and comforted just fine, until the TV goes on.There's a debate being held on a late night chat show.It's about the mentally ill forming relationships with addicts - are they just hiding from society?Roy can see the truth in it but Jason?Jason has a few choice words to say about that.He isn't hiding from anything!JayRoyWeek: Day 5: PTSD





	

**Author's Note:**

> I have to admit this is my bread and butter.  
>  I really enjoyed writing this

Jason had his ways.  
At least that's what Roy called them, 'Jason's ways.'  
Things that his Jaybird did that didn't really make a lot of sense and quite honestly reminded him of the antics he got up to during a bad trip or when he was going through withdrawal.  
The persecutory paranoia for instance, was one of 'Jason's ways' that Roy could hand on heart say he totally understood. Not that Jason ever seemed to realise this.  
Like this evening for instance.  
Despite being able to keep it together all day, Jason started to get 'twitchy' not long after dinner. Most people wouldn't have considered it anything odd, when Jason turned off the radio Roy had been listening too without explanation. Most people wouldn't have known that it was hint that maybe Jason was in for a shaky night.  
Roy just let it go and text Tim to say that they couldn't make the rendezvous tonight, he didn't give Tim a proper explanation. He just said Jason wasn't feeling well and needed an early night. He hoped that they would be left alone without any late night visitors to rile Jason even more.

Roy could have got mad, he could have demanded to have the radio back and told Jason to get a grip, but Roy understood. He knew it was pointless yelling at Jason for something he can't help.  
To him, whatever delusion that had been triggered was very real.  
Roy knew from experience, that yelling and trying to 'make him see sense' just made everything ten times more frightening and confusing. If you genuinely believed that something or someone was going to hurt you, and the person you considered safe just yelled at you and told you to stop being crazy?  
How safe would you feel if what you thought felt so real?  
Sometimes, Roy just wished Jason's family got that, that he could have just told Tim tonight was a no go because his brother had turned the radio off.

Jason accepted Roy's tale about Tim getting a cold and with his splenectomy it was best if they rearranged. He just shrugged before wandering off and pulling out a book to read.  
'Can I put the TV on Jay?' Roy asked cautiously.  
Jason glanced up from his hook and gave him a bewildered look, as if he didn't know why Roy was asking that.  
'Erm? Sure?'  
Playing along with his partner's charade, Roy sat down and reached for the remote, pretending that he hadn't noticed that Jason was reading the same page he'd been reading for the last fifteen minutes.  
Again, because Roy got it, just because something felt real didn't mean some logical part of your brain wasn't pointing out how crazy it was at the same time. It was easier to just sit down and try and pretend everything was okay. Jason would tell him if he was really struggling.

The evening crawled along and Roy just sat and watched the person he loved sink further and further into himself. He jumped at car horns or shouts from the street outside.  
He got up under the guise of going for a drink, reappearing with said drink and sitting back down in his corner again.  
Rolling his eyes, Roy concentrated on the TV, flicking through the channels when his own attention span wavered.  
'Is the heating on?'  
'Yes, Jaybird.'  
'I'll go make sure.'  
Sighing, Roy shook his head and took a swig of coke, not even ten minutes had passed since the last time he'd gotten up. If Jason honestly didn't think he knew what he was up to he was a fool.  
A few minutes later, Jason returned with his comforter hanging over his shoulders, sitting down he tried to read his book again, fingers drumming against the hardback, his bottom lip sucked in anxiously.

And so Roy played this merry dance with Jason for the next hour or so, silently watching when Jason got up every ten minutes with some throw away excuse and disappeared off.  
Whatever had triggered Jason this time had triggered him big time and unsurprisingly the stubborn asshole wasn't going to talk to Roy about it, despite progressively winding himself up more and more as time went on.  
'I'm gonna go pee.'  
Grabbing hold of Jason by the hand, Roy hauled his pain in the ass boyfriend down with a shake of his head.  
'The alarm system is fine, Jason. It's switched on. It's working. You don't need to check it, you just think that you do.'  
Jason blinked before shaking his head and trying but failing to free himself from Roy's iron tight grasp.  
'What the hell you talking about you freak? I just need to piss so let me go!'  
Ignoring how Jason venomously yelled at him, Roy wrapped the comforter around Jason like a burrito and forced Jason to lie down against his chest, arms wrapped tightly around him to keep him in place.  
'You went to the bathroom fifteen minutes ago Jaybird. The alarms are fine. Even if someone did get through them, I'm here okay? Not letting anything bad happen. Now please, try and find some chill before you give me whiplash getting up and down every ten minutes.'

'False imprisonment!' Jason roared, trying his best to look angry but Roy saw the panic in his eyes.  
Sighing, he warily freed one arm to reach into his jacket pocket, which was slung over the back of the couch. Typing away for a few minutes, he ignored Jason's further protests before shoving the device into his hands.  
'There. See? I have an app directly linked to the alarm system. It will let us know if it fails or isn't turned on or if it's breached, okay?'  
Jason swallowed and looked down at Roy's phone, studying the multiple readings it was displaying. The alarm system was on and working.  
'What if we can't hear it?'  
'Then keep the phone with you yeah?' Roy reasoned, smiling when Jason frowned slightly before nodding and snuggling further into Roy's chest, eyes glued to the screen.  
'I'm- it's not right tonight.' Jason finally muttered, not looking up from observing the alarm system readings on the phone.  
'No shit Sherlock.' Roy mumbled under his breath, before leaning down and pressing his lips against Jason's wavy hair. 'It's okay dude. Just remember it's just like a real bad trip yeah? It's gonna pass, I'm here okay?'  
Jason closed his eyes and shook his head, as if trying to shake something away, the phone dropped forgotten to the floor, when he pressed his hands over his ears.  
'I want it to stop, Roy. I just want it all to go away.'  
'It will. I promise Jaybird. You've got through this before, with a hundred percent success rate. It's gonna pass.' Roy reassured him, trailing his fingers up and down Jason's side soothingly.

 

Time passed on and Roy had long since given up any thought of going to bed tonight.  
Sure, they now had a night off but Jason was far too wired to even attempt to sleep. He'd just go to bed to show face and then Roy would find him a few hours later doing something bizarre.  
Last time, Jason had decided to add a few more 'traps' to their alarm system. Being a thoughtful person, he decided not to wake Roy up to tell him. So when Roy had gotten up to see if Jason was alright, he ended up pinned beneath an electrified net and losing control of his bladder.  
Sighing again, Roy squeezed Jason slightly when he felt him bristle as a car screeched past.  
Flicking through the channels again, Roy settled on a late night talk show.  
It was some special apparently and two psychiatrists were chatting away to the host.  
Jason rolled his eyes and picked up his book to begin re-reading the same page, again.  
'Fucktards.'  
Ignoring Jason's griping, Roy settled in to listen to what they were talking about.  
The subject was psychosis.  
Well, that explained Jason immediately disengaging and muttering profanities. 

'Well, my research, as well as many others, have shown a link between the mentally ill and addicts, especially patients who experience psychosis.  
I believe it is as if they are hiding themselves from society by merging with addicts. After all, their experiences are similar but different. It is, in my opinion, a way in which a mentally ill person can hide away from society, I have known of people injecting themselves with Saline to keep the pretence of being-'  
The man talking suddenly vanished and was replaced by some random football game.  
'Hey! I was watching that!' Roy grumbled, turning to glare at Jason who just scowled right back.  
'I wanna watch football. I like football.'  
'Bullshit Jason, you like baseball. Now give me back the remote.' Roy argued, reaching over to try and snatch it back but Jason just threw it against the opposite wall, watching it smash with a satisfied smirk.  
Taking a deep breath, Roy internally counted to ten and tried his best not to react. Instead, deciding to sit back and pretend that he wanted to watch football and didn't have the urge to throttle his rapidly spiralling boyfriend.  
Maybe the chat show hadn't been the best idea given this evening's events or ever, actually, with Jason in the room with him.

'You believe them don't you? That I'm hiding!'  
Roy hesitated.  
Cursing himself, Roy immediately knew that his hesitation had been a very, very bad move, even if it had been involuntary.  
The anxiety that had danced in Jason's eyes all night flared with a sudden burst of rage, and Jason was up and snarling down at him, fists balled at his sides.  
'You're with them! I knew it! You think what they do!'  
'Them' and 'they' were loaded words with Jason.  
It was never certain exactly who he was talking about but being associated with 'them' was never a good thing.  
'Don't be ridiculous Jay, I'm with you. Please, just sit down and watch the football.' Roy replied calmly, but he knew it was a lost cause. Jason was fuming, his paranoia sky high and now he was firmly on the defensive.  
'Oh that's just what they'd want me to do, isn't it? Sit down and behave. Sit down and watch the football like a good boy! They, them, you don't care you never did you think I'm hiding.'  
'I didn't say that, Jaybird. I didn't say anything.'  
'You didn't need to say anything I saw it. That's what you think we are? Were. Just some crazy hiding behind you. Fuck you!'

Tears began brimming in Jason's eyes and Roy could see that he whole heartedly believed in every word he said.  
Sighing, Roy shook his head and stood up so he was level with him.  
'No, that's not true, Jason. I love you, Jason. I wouldn't think of you like that but-'  
Wincing, Roy knew he'd paused, he knew he shouldn't have but he couldn't think of what to say. If he lied he'd be caught out and then everything would be ten times worse. Jason couldn't cope with being lied to, even for good things like surprises.  
'But? But! But what!'  
Roy could have figured out a way to talk himself out of his hole, but Jason's furious 'but what's' were drilling into his skull.  
'You absconded from Arkham, Jason! You can hardly say you're on a fucking vacation!'  
Well, Roy might as well get comfy in his hole, because that stupid, thoughtless outburst cost him whatever tiny slither of trust Jason currently had for him.

Jason froze.  
His anger twisting and morphing into an emotion Roy couldn't place, but instead of just welling behind his eyes, tears now ran down his cheeks.  
Bruce, Jason had looked like that when Bruce had told Fox News that he had three sons who he was proud of. Not four.  
Without a word, Jason stormed over to where Roy's phone was lying abandoned on the floor and typed in a number before throwing it at him with a snarl.  
'Fine! Fucking call them. See if I care! Fucking call them call them all call the world.'  
'Jason please-'  
Roy reached out for him but Jason shoved him roughly away, eyes wide and unfocused.  
'No, no don't you touch me! Do not touch me!'  
With that Jason was gone, slamming the front door before disappearing into the night.  
The alarm system went off.  
Knives, nets, blowtorches and goodness knows what else went off, and Roy was forced to upend the couch and dive underneath, to avoid being killed or seriously maimed by Jason's traps.  
Fumbling with his phone he quickly disabled the system before studying the number Jason had put into his phone and he felt ill.  
It was Arkham's number.  
'Oh Jaybird.' Roy muttered, tears of his own welling in his eyes.

Roy didn't know what to do. He couldn't lie to Jason and say he didn't believe the psychiatrist on the TV. What the man had said made so much sense, Roy didn't know why he hadn't realised it before.  
Roy understood when Jason got paranoid, when he had flashbacks, saw and heard things that weren't there. When his anxiety got so bad every sense hurt, noise too loud, fabric scratching his skin, lights too bright.  
Roy got it because he'd been through it too, the same, but different. His was mainly self induced, but Jason couldn't help it and it was just how his mind worked.  
Jason wasn't the first person with mental health issues he'd come across. Roy could confirm the psychiatrist's observation of people injecting themselves with Saline to fit in. He'd seen it himself during his time as an addict.  
The random person who'd be sat amongst them but never really seemed to take anything. Said some weird ass shit but never seemed to be high. More often than not they acted as look outs when everyone else was too far gone to care if the cops came.  
If he agreed with Jason he was denying his own life, his own experiences.

Either way, he'd have to wait and pray Jason didn't do anything stupid.  
Roy couldn't go after him now, he was upset too and trying to talk Jason back down when he was hurting wouldn't work.  
Flipping the couch back over, Roy sauntered over to the TV and manually changed the channel back to the chat show again. Maybe he'd find the answer to his problem there? The show sure had created it after all.  
The second psychiatrist was talking now and Roy was so engrossed he didn't make it back to the couch. How had he not realised before?  
The second psychiatrist was Dr Leland from Arkham.  
They and them.  
Jason must have seen her.  
'I struggle with the term 'hiding from society'. Isn't the set up described also a mini society? Just not one the larger population overly approves of.  
Yes, there are countless cases of where an addict and someone with a mental illness are detrimental to the each others recovery however, have we thought about the cases where this does not happen?  
By being the same, but different, research has also suggested that the two groups could and have helped one another. Maybe, with the right support in place, such relationships could actually be positive?  
It is basic, human psychology to want to find people like you. We are primarily a tribal species, we do not function well in isolation. Maybe instead of hiding, it is purely just people acting on instinct to find their tribe?  
To find people who just accept them for who they are. Addicts, I can see being more accepting of those who experience episodes of psychosis, for whatever reason, because they understand it. They experience similar effects from the substances they misuse. Someone with a mental illness can relate to the self hate, anxiety and depression common amongst addicts because they feel that too.'

Roy didn't hear the rest of the show.  
Turning off the TV, he looked back at the radio Jason turned off earlier.  
Roy had been spurned from society, where as Jason just didn't understand it. In a way, if he thought it, Roy felt accepted by Jason because he didn't care about his tucked up past, Jason felt accepted by Roy because he didn't just see PTSD and a fucked up past, he saw Jason too.  
Silently, he collected his keys, shoved on his converse and jacket and pulled open the front door. He needed to go find Jason.  
It was below freezing outside and absolutely pouring with icy rain. Jason had left his own jacket and even his shoes behind when he'd run off, too wrapped up inside himself to think about such small details. If Roy didn't find him soon he was going to get sick or worse some unsavoury character would try to take advantage of the vulnerable person stumbling barefoot down the sidewalk. Although, the unsavoury character would probably lose up against Jason Todd.  
Roy swallowed and tried not to panic, Dick was going to kill him if his little brother got hurt.

It wasn't too long before Roy found Jason slumped against an alley wall in a puddle of tears.  
It was raining but he didn't seem to notice the ice cold water on his skin, his knuckles bruised and bleeding from pounding the opposite wall, feet also bleeding and almost turning blue with cold.  
Roy felt his heart break.  
Dropping to his knees, he took ice cold, trembling hands into his own and kissed them softly.  
'Jaybird? It's Roy.'  
'Go away.'  
Came a muffled reply that sounded like he was attempting to be threatening, but tears and cold caused the words to come out shaky and weak.  
'Jaybird, please? I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry.'  
Sniffing, Jason tugged his hands free and curled up into an even tighter ball, his head thumping against the brick wall in a steady rhythm.  
'Jaybird please, you're hurting yourself. Please, come back home? Where it's warm? I love you, you're my Jaybird.'  
Roy watched Jason's head thump back against the hard brick with pursed lips, tears rolling down his cheeks again. This was all his fault.  
'No lies, lying lying. I hate lying.'  
'No, no Jason, I'm not lying, I love you, please I-'  
Taking a deep breath, Roy reached out and squeezed Jason's shoulder.  
'I know you're not hiding. I believe you. I'm sorry for being an ass.'  
Jason lifted his head slightly, eyes blinking away wetness that Roy wasn't a hundred percent sure was rain water or tears. Smiling softly, Roy slowly moved his hand from Jason's shoulder to stoke his Jaybird's cheeks, wiping the moisture away.  
'I'm your tribe. I get that now. We're a team you and I. Together, we can do anything. That's not hiding Jaybird. I get it now.'

There was silence.  
The only sound the heavy pitter pattering of the rain against the sidewalk.  
Roy didn't move a muscle, eyes focused on Jason who glanced up at him warily.  
'You're not with them?'  
Shaking his head, Roy smiled and took hold of Jason's hands again.  
'No, I'm with you Jaybird. I love you. You're my tribe too.'  
'Tribe.' Jason experimented with the word letting it roll over his tongue before smiling shyly.  
'I like tribe. Tribes better than family. Tribe.'  
Nodding, Roy chuckled and leant forwards to brave a kiss, which Jason returned hesitantly before pulling away, eyes scanning the abandoned alley.  
'Not safe here. Shadows are everywhere and hide puppets. There's dark, the sky in the ground!'  
Roy nodded along, he'd always been able to follow Jason's rambles, dig out the meaning behind them.  
Now, with a bit more insight as to why he could do that, he felt a spark of confidence when he squeezed Jason's hands and hauled him up to his feet.  
'Okay. Okay, Buddy come on. Let's go home yeah? Where it's safe and warm.'  
Noticing that Jason was actually concentrating on his words, Roy walked them out onto the main sidewalk and pointed at the night sky.  
'Look, look Jaybird, the stars. The sky in the ground doesn't have stars, does it?'  
Following Roy's finger, the fear in Jason eyes wavered slightly and a small smile made a slight appearance.  
'No, it doesn't.'

No one got any sleep but with the TV now firmly off limits, Roy had bundled Jason into bed with a pile of books and his music. Warm and dry in a pair of sweat pants and a loose t-shirt after a bath Roy spent half an hour coaxing him into. He'd even dyed the water pink so it didn't look like the Lazarus Pit, Jason wasn't too keen on pink either apparently.  
Jason shuffled down beneath his comforter, reaching out to tug on Roy's hand to wake him from a light doze.  
'Roy?' Came a desperate whisper, above the soft rock playing in the background.  
'Hmph, wha? Jaybird? You doing okay?' Roy mumbled, rubbing at tired eyes with his free hand.  
Jason looked at him with wide teal eyes, dark circles already making an appearance around them. He was going to be out like a light once this episode had passed.  
'I don't like the sky in the ground.'  
The phrase was simple and hushed but Roy understood, he always understood.  
Nodding, he kissed Jason's forehead softly before climbing out of bed without a word. Moving to the curtains, he opened them before returning to Jason's side and hauling him onto his chest.  
'It's not the sky in the ground, Jaybird. There's stars.'

Sighing, Roy felt the tension in Jason's muscles slowly ebb away and his breathing slowed. Glancing down, he saw Jason gazing out of the window with a serene smile on his face.  
'I like the stars. Do you thing they're pretty?'  
'Yeah, like you.' Roy replied, kissing the top of Jason's head and giving him a squeeze. He was about to drop off into another doze again, when a small voice whispered.  
'Our tribe is a star. Bright and shiny.'  
Smiling, Roy nodded groggily. Sleep was not going to happen tonight but he was okay with that. Jason needed him and he knew one day in the near future the roles would reverse, and he knew, just knew Jason would do the exact same thing for him.  
'That sounds like an awesome idea, Jaybird.'

It was human nature to want to find your tribe, to find the ones you could relate to.  
Humans never fair well in isolation, they need someone who accepts them.  
Looking up at their own blank ceiling, Roy wondered if he could find a way to give Jason the stars.


End file.
